Today is very dark green. I couldn't sleep last night, which might be because I slept until 4 yesterday, but that is just because I stayed up late on Saturday night, which was Halloween in America, and was ubiquitous crucifiction for Me. I woke up at 730 this morning, an hour later than usual, showered, threw on clothing, and the beginning of a lot of events that were bookended by exhaustion and an all around, generally no-good, good-for-nothing, poopy mood. I sometimes think that I should buy like a Cat-Scan machine, because on days like this, at least I can test clear for cancer, and then even though I miss three subways because I have to buy a new one-month metro Pass but I can't because my card is maxed out and my parents recently put in enough money where I really don't think that should be the case, and even though my transfer Metro stop is closed for a month and a half and opens the day after I leave, and even though I get corrected and laughed at by the chubby half-asian gremlin who works at the only sympathetic bakery in the entire conglomeration of Paris, and even though I can't keep my eyes open during class, and even though I can't afford lunch because of my credit card issue, and even though I lock my keys indoors having forgotten them this morning, and even though I can't fall asleep when I finally do have time to nap, and even though I miss my time to run because I can't end up napping and I wouldn't be able to run without rest, and even though every part of my body feels like the way that bubble soap droops off of a bubble wand when you lift it off the dish but instead of with bubble soap with cellulite, at least I don't have cancer and the machine could tell me so most mornings. And I could listen to the beep-beeping like an ancient code that suffocates me under its gamy hawk wing, and close my eyes and see the ripples of LED lights that splash onto my eyelid, like a heart in a womb. I felt awake this morning, too. New music makes anything worth stumbling through. And I felt rough-edged and belligerent in a kiddish way, so that on the subway I played drums with my fingers and toes, like an undressed baby on linen. I wanted music that snuffed my insides and blasted from my abdomen. My bags felt like gashes and it was raining and I wanted to split everyone in half with thunderbolts. I might even go to Amsterdam to Berlin to Copenhagen. And get a free bread bun on the train. With butter probably. Not probably with jam but maybe. And coffee and no milk! I wonder how the train systems in Europe work. So many people speak so many different languages. On board, what do the stewarts and stewartesses speak? Maybe everyone speaks in binary code. Or maybe everyone just yells and barks and roars like animals would. That's funny to think of. Scary animals riding on trains in seats with the tablettes down in tweed suits and cardigans. I want to go the the Azores! They are scary and exciting. The water is boiling and I just want to roll on an animal hyde on the beach like my Dog but she's dead now. I have another and I love him.
Also, a song changed music forever for me today. "Fire Power," Wolfgang Gartner.
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